England World Cup hero Jonny Wilkinson is struggling to adjust to life after retirement. Wilkinson claimed he feels like he is ‘breaking apart’ after he put an end to his 18-year career last year.
In a revealing interview with the Daily Mail, the 36-year-old said he feels disillusioned with his achievements, undeserving of the praise others put upon him.
The fly-half is, of course, a national treasure, delivering a first World Cup for England, after scoring the definitive drop-goal to beat Australia in 2003. Wilkinson appeared over 90 times in an England shirt and is his country’s leading points scorer of all time. In fact, in international rugby he is ranked second, behind the great New Zealand fly-half, Dan Carter, with a total of 1,246 points scored.
However, the Newcastle and Toulon legend is finding it difficult to discover his identity after rugby.
“I feel like I’m breaking apart in that I am going towards somewhere where my answer will be massively in the spiritual and philosophical, but it’s not there yet. All I know is that I don’t feel any worth in saying, ‘I was a rugby player and I played 18 years as a professional and I played there and I won this’.
“It’s not the fact that I couldn’t care less. It’s just that I see it as the same now as getting up and going out for lunch. That’s what I’m feeling now as I’m breaking apart.
“I’m feeling that life is going on and my appearance has been associated with my historical stuff and that’s breaking apart. That’s what I feel and that’s the confusion I see. Recognizing myself is becoming more and more difficult but I see that in a positive way.”
After the highs of the World Cup, the next four years of Wilkinson’s career were overshadowed with injuries. He admits, that he suffered from depression because of his injuries, however, came out of the experience on a positive note and even describes it as the most positive experience of his playing days
“Before I got my injuries,” says Wilkinson, “I was so tied up with who I was and how important I felt I was. Deep down, I was attached to winning the World Cup. I was attached to being an England player.
“That route was getting worse. The injuries were a pointer to saying, ‘Look, you are going to struggle very, very badly with the end of your career. To the point where, life-wise, enjoyment-wise, you probably won’t come back from it’.
“I went through depression in the four years I was injured. I was forced to go through it and when I came out, I still had this opportunity to play rugby again. What happened in that period was obvious because you are in the presence of a hugely greater intelligence that is looking at you and being like, ‘This is what you need’.
“The best thing about my career in terms of me as a person was being injured for four years and going through what I went through in terms of mental issues. The best thing about my rugby career is that it has allowed me to be in a position where I feel that my mind has been opened and I have been supported towards being able to attack life on a privileged level”.
